This vicious cycle.....

I thought about leaving, about going out west and living somewhere in a log cabin and pretending to be a deaf and mute person, and maybe if I was lucky I would find a nice deaf, mute woman to marry. In the end though, I just could not do it. I decided I could not leave Phoebe behind and have her all upset about me leaving. I wanted her to stay home and go to school like a good kid, but me leaving would change that for her. So in the end I guess I stayed for her. After confronting me on the street and crying about me leaving her, I decided to let her skip school for the rest of the day and we went to the zoo. As I sat there watching her on the merry-go-round I thought of my future. Well sadly the future eventually becomes the present, and now next fall I am going to a new school. One that I will flunk out of, and then after that I will get yelled at for flunking by teachers and parents, and then I will consider running off away from everyone I know. But in the end I will never do it. I seem stuck to repeat everything in some sort of vicious cycle that has no end in sight if I continue the way I am. Holden onto hope that does not happen. The school I am going to has added a new system online where you can check your grades every day if you feel the need to. Maybe I can use this as motovation to do better. The grade website- www.my.monroeps.org I should end this blog, I need to focous on my work more than I have been. Maybe I can change things. Maybe. Sincerely, -Holden Caufield

What A Strange Man

Mr. Antolini was a married man, so you can imagine my suprise of how I was woken up when I tried to spend the night at his house recently. When I arrived at the door, he greeted me openly and warmly, with good humor and all that other stuff. I informed him about how I had been kicked out of Pencey, and he didn't find it to be good news. He kept saying, something like, "so you and Pencey are no longer one" like he was trying to rub the fact that I failed in my Goddamn face or something. We talked for awhile and then I became very tired, I tried not to yawn but could not help it. When he saw how tired I was he offered me the couch to sleep on. While I was getting ready for bed, he also asked me how my 'women' were. He asked about Sally and said she was a good looking girl and all. So it would suprise you even more when I tell you that I woke up to Mr. Antolini sitting there in the dark, next to where I was sleeping, patting me on the head. I got up and quickly excused myself, and left in a hurry. The whole time Mr. Antolini kept telling me how I was a 'strange kid.' I think he may need to be registered on this website I found. www.sexoffenders.com It tells a reader where sex offenders are in realtion who where you live, and gives you free background checks on anyone you want to search.

What I Like

Tonight, after I arrived home and awoke Phoebe from bed, she found out I was home early from school because I had flunked out again. She became very upset about that. I did not want to break the news about my early arrival to her, but she is very smart for her age and figured it out on her own. She kept shaking her head at me and telling me that dad was going to kill me, which he was. Who WOULDN'T kill their kid for flunking out of ANOTHER school. But man, that made me feel lousy, the way she just gave me that disapproving response to the news and kept saying, "daddy is going to kill you." I tried to explain to her that I did not even like that school anyway, that it was all for phonies and that there was not anything good about it, which is true. Pencey is a goddamn lousy school. Phoebe looked at me for a long time, and told me that I didn't like anything. I inisted that was not true, but in the end I could not think of anything that I really like. I thought of those nuns, the ones collecting money, and of that castle boy who fell out the window. But what I do like for sure, is Allie. It is a good question though. What else do I like? Maybe I should go for therapy, and share what I think about things with other people. I found this website where I can find therapists where I live and go to 'group sessions.' I dont know what those are, but they sound phony as hell. www.goodtherapy.org/group-therapy.html

Sally and New York

I'm starting to think that I'm as much of a phony as people like Stradlater, or anyone else I have accused of being one. Today I went on my date with Sally, if you want to call it a date. It was more like a time killer, biding up until the dreadful moment where I have to finally go home and face my parents. But anyway, let me tell you about it.

Sally looked as attractive as ever, but that was not enough to take away the fact that she is a major pain in the ass. After listening to her talk to her phony friend that she 'knew from somewhere,' since she always knows people, and after seeing the sickening movie, she wanted to go ice skating. After we did that, we headed inside to sit down where I embarrased myself as usual by asking for a drink and getting rejected right in front of Sally. I wanted to run away with her, I really did for some reason at the moment. She said that it woul be good to do after I got through college, if we were to get married, which are two things I will not be doing. I insisted we should leave when we were young otherwise things would be different later on, but she continued to say no. And another thing, she kept telling me I was too goddamn loud, and then when I talked quieter she said she could not hear me, man what a pain in the ass she is. I told her that too, right to her face. Then she responded to that by crying, it made me feel awful bad and a little scared too. She has a big burly father, and if he heard about this then I thought he might come and give me trouble or something like that. So after insisting on alpogizing, I left her crying there. She did not want me to bring her home anyway.

In the end, I am a phony, and not just a phony but a crazy phony at that. I go out with a girl I can't stand, ask her to run away with me, and stay in a place (New York) that I insist I hate. The reason I say I'm staying there is not true either, I said it was bacuse of Sally, but in the end I make her cry.

Then i call up someone else, a guy I had met in school and called a phony to his face, and I ask he wants to go out and have an intellectual conversation. That's another story though........

Here's what new York looks like this time of year. It's so cold and awful, and there are so many people. Just look at it, this is where we went ice skating.

www.searchindia.com

Religion

Today while I was killing time beofore my date with Sally, I ran into these two nuns at lunch. They carried a wicker basket around with them that they used to collect donations. I did not want to be a bad soul or looked down upon by God for not giving them any money, so I donated ten dollars from my shrinking wad of cash that I have been carry around with me since iI left Pencey. It really proves something I said before, which is the fact that I dont know to spend money wisely. Meeting with the nuns got me to thinking about my religion again. At first I was worried that they were going to ask me if I was a catholic, but luckily they did not. People who are cathloics always think it is better to talk with someone who is a catholic themselves. After I had been talking to them for a long time, I thought about my own faith in God and how he never seemed to be on my side. He took my brother Allie for starters, and everything has gone wrong since I left school and headed for the hotel. I've been beaten by Stradlater, beaten by an elevator boy, and had no one to talk to, no where to go, and nothing to do.I've had to resort to going out with Sally. When I tried to pray the night I has the encounter with Sunny and Maurice, I couldnt even manage to do so. Maybe my life needs a purpose, and God could help me more once it does. I have indeed said bad things about religon before, but nothing TOO bad I don't think. Yet maybe I would do better in school if I had more faith and did less bad deeds like going to night clubs and the such. It's a ticky thing religion, yes indeed. I included this picture of a cross. It's a religous symbol after all. www.catholicpeople.com